How Can I Embrace My Reality?
You may be asking yourself: Do I want to embrace reality? Do I have to? And in all honesty, I wish I could make some realities disappear. The injustice of abuse coupled with the trauma it causes, the devastation of death and disease, betrayal, rejection, mental unhealth, even the current situation with the BC flooding…the list goes on. Embracing reality seems like a ludicrous idea in many instances and impossible in others. How could I even suggest such a thing?
To be clear from the outset, embracing reality is not necessarily synonymous with condoning the circumstances. If you have endured abuse of any sort or have been the victim of a crime, the last thing I want you to hear is that you need to say what happened is ok. Boundaries and hard lines may be needed and are a crucial part of this reality. I’m sorry for the deep pain associated with this event(s). Whether or not you have experienced this depth of trauma, no doubt each of us know the resistance that comes with a difficult reality. We rarely want to embrace reality, because it may pose a threat to our safety, comfort, or homeostasis.
My Reality
For much of my life, I denied my reality. I didn’t know how to deal with an authoritarian father who had little to offer in emotional connection. My coping strategy found me with my head down, striving, pleasing, and performing to avoid trouble. It served me well…until it didn’t. Of course, I wasn’t fully aware of these patterns until much later in life and couldn’t see how I carried them into adulthood. I thought I was doing great! I figured I was quite self-aware and intentional in my personal care. Little did I know a mental health crisis was looming and I would need to take a hard look at my reality.
When personal crisis came knocking, I was shocked, to say the least. I instantly scrambled to make things right, doing and saying whatever was needed to correct the overturned apple cart. I was in panic mode and absolutely unwilling to accept this new reality. The last thing I could do was embrace it. I wanted to reject it. I wanted to hit rewind and go back to where everything felt smooth, calm and easy. For years, I fought the ramifications of what had happened, and the battle brought me to my knees on many occasions. I could not embrace it…I would not. But that fight only made things worse. Let me outline for you what I have learned since.
Resistance Was Not my Friend
I resisted my reality at every turn. In the face of great injustice, I wanted to be led by God in my response. I did hard soul work during this season, begging God to show me next steps. I was neither hardened to Him nor ignorant of my part in the scenario. But as I vehemently resisted this reality, fighting for what I thought was best, my heart was not thriving. My mental health was declining and my ability to cope was waning. In my fighting, there were times of avoidance, wall building, and distraction. These things felt like the only way for me to move forward. Sadly, I was not moving very far, and in hindsight, was not doing myself any favours.
Take an Internal Inventory
As time marched along, I eventually realized I needed to take a hard look at myself. Yes, I had been asking God to show me my areas of weakness so I could grow and change, but I was not yet able to be brutally honest with myself. In order to embrace my reality, I needed to lay down the inner defences I held against myself. I needed to face my ego. I began to look at the ‘why’ behind my fight. What was Spirit-led and what was born out of an arrogant pursuit of what I wanted? Blame was not helpful and neither was self-pity. I needed to look at the true motivations of my heart and lay them before God. I had been willing to do only some of the work. Now He was asking me for more. It was the hardest thing I had ever done, but it was the beginning of embracing my reality.
Face the Change
At some point, I knew it was time to lay down my fight. That didn’t mean I now agreed with the situation or my convictions had changed, but the stressor wasn’t going anywhere quickly. I needed to look at it square in the eye and figure out how to live somewhat peaceably with it. I needed to come to terms with the idea that this was here to stay even though I hated it. My thoughts were often consumed with it all, but slowly, I wasn’t derailed or as triggered as I once was. I was able to step back a bit and gain some healthier perspective, something I could not do previously.
Accept the Change
Even as I write the word ‘accept’, there is a strong physical reaction in me. I still want justice and wrongs to be made right. Hurt rises and threatens to disrupt this place where I now live. I can imagine it could feel like that for you too as you work to embrace your reality. My journey with God has been crucial through these stages, but not without its ups and downs. I have been angry and wrestled with the idea of abandonment, struggling to trust and believe His way is best.
The ability to ‘zoom out’ became an integral part of my ability to embrace my new reality. When I was constantly spinning about the details of the situation, my focus was laser sharp and very small. It kept me on task for a constant review of what I thought was important, but kept me from seeing other important pieces. When I began to look for alternative ways of viewing the situation, putting myself in other’s shoes and getting out of my head, I was surprised to find how clearly I could see. I could see God working in the background and discovered He was trustworthy after all. When I dared to reframe the scenario from the myopic view I held, I could see how God had grown me and was bringing things to life that I had prayed for for decades. It was a painful discovery and not without some tears, but slowly, these realizations allowed me to embrace this reality. Some days I could see no silver lining, but other days there was a glimmer, which allowed me to have hope that perhaps it might all work out somehow.
God in the Mix
Stasi Eldredge, in her book, Defiant Joy, says, “If I run from my reality, I also run from the presence of God.” I can see how that has been true in my story, but also in the lives of others. When we build walls of denial, blame, or bitterness, we essentially block our ability to see and hear God in the midst of our situation. At times, I wasn’t open to His gentle prodding toward humility or forgiveness. I fought in other moments to hold so tightly to my own ideas that my hands weren’t open to receive His. I wasn’t always in a place to receive His comfort, peace, care, or direction.
What About You?
As you think about embracing your reality, where are you in the journey?
- Are you in the resistance phase, not wanting to believe this is true, let alone find a way to accept it? What are your greatest aversions?
- Do you have the time and ability to take a hard look at your part in the situation and what your role may be in moving forward? Do you dare to lay aside your ego to find hidden motivations?(Caveat: if you are a victim of a crime or abuse, you are not responsible for the trauma inflicted upon you)
- Can you look at your current reality and begin to find ways to cope with its presence? What does that look like? Does anything need to change in order for this to happen?
- What might acceptance look like for you? In remembering that it’s not condoning bad behaviour, can you embrace this reality and trust that God can walk you through whatever this new space brings? This is all about your journey toward healing and God can do incredible things even when it’s just you who is willing to do the hard work.
You Are Not Alone
But now, this is what the Lord says—
he who created you, Jacob,
he who formed you, Israel:
“Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;
I have summoned you by name; you are mine.
2 When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze.
3 For I am the Lord your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Saviour; (Isaiah 43:1-3)
Perhaps you need some help in this season. Consider coaching or therapy as options. I would be honoured to walk with you and help you navigate this road. If you have a good friend or spiritual leader, perhaps sharing with them would be of benefit as well. But you are not alone in this journey. God is for you and with you, just as He was for me and continues to be. My road is still pretty bumpy, but I have learned that my God is available and reliable above all else. There is no one else like Him and He is worth the risk.
