Facing Disappointment
When is the last time you faced disappointment? Maybe you were hoping to purchase a house, but the market isn’t in your favour. Or you didn’t get hired for the position you applied for. Perhaps you expressed feelings for someone and they don’t feel the same. What about socks left on the counter…again! How about covid or the vaccination discussion? It seems to be a big culprit these days. No matter what the source, disappointment is part of our lives. Sometimes it is inconsequential and easy to blow off, other times it can radically change our current reality.
Like you, I am no stranger to disappointment. It painted some of my earliest memories with its damaging strokes and powerful tones. I have encountered many situations throughout life where I was left reeling, feeling lost and confused in the aftermath. At times, the disappointment became a dangerous launching pad for a way of thinking and believing that threatened my mental health, relational status, and work capability. The power of disappointment is real, and as I have learned, not to be underestimated.
The Negative Side
Disappointment has the power to hijack our thinking if we let it. Imagine a work related scenario: you have spent many hours preparing for an interview for an in-house promotion. They have assured you you are the perfect candidate for the job, but you need to jump through the hoops like everyone else. That day, you do your best to prepare yourself for success – nutritious breakfast, extra care with your appearance, time in quiet to calm yourself, as well as a solid review of the prescribed questions. You’re ready and feel confident the job will be yours. The interview goes as you’d hoped and the feedback is excellent. Three days later, however, you find out you have not received the position and they welcome you to stay at your current post as they highly value your contribution to the company.
Ugh…Can you feel the sucker-punch to the gut? Disappointment instantly steals the comfort of the previous moment and threatens our security. It leaves us feeling vulnerable and somewhat powerless. Depending on the offense, we may shake it off with relative ease, or it might threaten to change our course for the long-haul. As a result, it might leave you in a state of numbness where denial and avoidance become welcome friends. This state can breed negative self-talk, which can lead to emotional barriers to living well. In addition, taking care of your personal needs might become a hardship, let alone following through on your goals. Disappointment has the power to steal our joy and hope, especially when it becomes a common occurrence.
Is There a Positive Side to Disappointment?
This could be a sensitive spot depending on where you’re at as you read this. I would have struggled to find anything positive in my deepest disappointments, and I remember well the darkness that hovered in those days. I found, however, there is always the opportunity to re-conceptualize any situation. Alternatively, allow me to highlight how I am learning to do this amid disappointment.
- Passion and care are present where deep disappointment exists. Obviously, I am not passionate about socks on the counter and therefore my disappointment is not consuming. In that case, it is more of an annoyance, followed by a desire for change. But in the scenario above, the disappointment is significant because the hope was significant. There was much investment of thought, emotion, time, and possibly finances. It mattered a lot and you put your all into the preparation for the interview. That is a good thing.
- Entitlement may be a factor. When I think of my hardest seasons, I was most disappointed where my greatest sense of entitlement existed. I wanted what I wanted and believed I deserved it. I set myself up for heartache and a long, arduous road of letting go of those limiting beliefs. As I have gained much ground, I feel new freedom in walking with less expectation. It has been a game-changer.
- There is an opportunity for change and growth. No one wants to hear those words when sitting in disappointment, but quickly, the situation demands attention. Will you hunker down in the pain of it, unable or unwilling to move, or can you look for the options the crisis presents? Sometimes disappointment blinds us and we cannot see a way forward. That’s where we may need someone with objectivity to help us see clearly. A trusted friend, pastor, or coach may offer direction that you cannot find on your own.
- Growing GRIT! If you’ve never heard the word in this context before, it means courage or resolve, strength of character. This has been my greatest reward in dealing with disappointment. Let me assure you, I have not always shown strength of character. In fact, sometimes I have been a pretty big wimp and allowed my negativity to get the better of me. I am not proud of those moments, but they taught me to dig deeper, to remember who I am and what is most important. Each time I faced a new roadblock and worked my way past it, it seemed I could move with more grace and less collateral damage. Still messy, but not hopelessly stuck!
What Now?
Maybe disappointment has you by the collar. I’m sorry for the pain and discomfort that brings. You may read my reflections on the positive side of things and think I’m nuts. That’s ok! Regardless of where you are, I want to provide options where you may feel so very stuck. Ask yourself these questions:
- Can I face my feelings about this situation with honesty? Can I embrace the emotion it brings so I am not running from my reality?
- What are my responsibilities in this situation? Are there movable pieces for me? What needs to happen for that movement to occur?
- Do I have unreasonable expectations in this department? Is there a root of entitlement here?
- Is my response helping or hindering the person I want to be?
Consider:
- Looking at Scripture on what it has to say about disappointment. Pray through what you find and process your emotion with God. Here is a useful online tool to get you started: OpenBible
- Trying to shift your perspective from being outcome-oriented to holding the tension of your desires. For instance, let’s look at the socks as an example. If you are looking only at the specific outcome you want (no socks on the counter…ever;), you may feel unheard, unloved, disrespected,__________, when they show up again. Instead, let go of the outcome and look at your desire and communicate from that place. “I would appreciate you putting your socks into the hamper when you take them off rather than on the counter where our food is. By you attempting to do that, I will feel heard and respected.” After you share your desire, you release control and have open hands to whatever comes next. If the socks show up on the counter, you share from the heart again. Now it isn’t about the socks at all, but the ability to hear and honour one another. Make sense?
- Caring for yourself well by engaging in life-giving activities. Reading the Word, going for a walk, creating something, listening to good music, talking with someone or learning something new can bring fresh perspective and offer opportunities to see more clearly.
- Finally, consider professional help from a coach like myself or therapy.
Prayer
Father, disappointment is hard. We rarely manage it well. Help us look to You for what we need and allow You to care for us. Bring Your perspective in the right timing so we can accept the healing and change required. For that reason, help us trust You in the pain, Lord. Amen.
